so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
