i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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