I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize