I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm like, not good at living.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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