i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize