omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
