If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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