I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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