so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
My dick has a subreddit
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
