I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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