i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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