in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
