i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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