Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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