i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
