god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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