she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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