stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Such a big mess for such a small penis
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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