don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
