Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
