i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
