i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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