i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
