no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
