i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
