Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
