I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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