i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
