you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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