so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
