If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
