i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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