smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
