I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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