On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
