dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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