This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
