I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
