I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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