Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
you win again, gameday.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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