Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
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