It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
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