Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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