me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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