There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Randomize
