He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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