I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
