we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
