I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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