i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
