i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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