but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
