new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
