I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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