Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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