I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
